Moscow

after 56 hours on the longest train journey of my life we finally arrive in the promised land of fast cars and fast women. although we had been in europe for a day on teh train it didnt really feel like it until we actually got off the train. Our firstexperience of teh russian peoples was what m,any people would expect of russia- a gang of drunks, one of which had fallen down the metro stairs and cracked open is skull. 'oh man hee's lying in a puddle of his own sick.. oh wait thats blood.'
our first expewience of the metro was as i expected, amzing, i could see why old red ken (R.I.P) came here to improve our own sysytem, u never wait more than 2 minutes and the platforms are lined with chandeliers and mosaic. proper art deco like. anywho we got to the hostel using teh not as bad directions as we thought and dumped our shit, had a wash and hit the town. we ahd a walk down arbat street which the pedestrianised street in the centre of town but we just got tires ish and walked back to the hostel along the river passing the massive peter the great statue on the river (which is strange cos peter the great hated moscow, as wasnt known for his navy -he is surrounded by boats) when we got back to teh hostel we met jack who was talking about how his mate had had an orange for the first time in his life. that night we got some beers and found a good bar to go to in the hilariously cunty listings paper 'exile' which lists clubs by pull ability face control and drink prices. 'bring your pepper spray cos u'll need protection!' we headed to teh place and went in and it was basically a restaurant, and because we were so drunk we think that we either went to wrong place or that the bar was downstairs and we just didnt realise, what followed was the coldest walk home of my life.

next night after waking up horrendously hung over we thought we'd give it another go at walking around town, we found out much to us dismay that the kremlin was closed again so instead we visited dyetsky mir 'children's world' which was one of the 2 famous shops i always used to learn about in my russian class at school, and it was quite cool, lets say sovietly-jokes if that makes any sense at all. after that we had i first meal at moomoo a canteen style restaurant where you go choose what you want and pay at the end it reletively cheap (for moscow) and quite delicious. after that we checked out an underground shopping centre for an internet cafe to no avail but it just happened to be full of shops playing house music and amazingly peng women so we stayed there for a couple of hours. that night we had an early one because the next night we didnt have a bed to sleep in so we were gonna pull an all nighter.

the next day we checked out and put our bags in the left luggage, and went into town again but of course, the kremlin was closed and red sqaure also due cos they were practising the parade. we went to them GUM which used to be an old shopping centre but is now refurbished and full of designer shops and peng women as well. i compared my fake louis vuitton wallet with a real one and then we got an ice cream and watched the girls go by. afterwards pierre got some beautiful trainers and we then hit a bar for the afternoon, sunk about 6 and then had drunken afternoon jokes in the sunshine. pierer baught like 6 burgers in macdonalds and he ordered it in perfect russian! i got another beer in the shop and the hid from pierre. he tried to call me but called my england number which my brother is using so my bro called him back and i had like a five minute convo, he was like 'Matt what do you want' IM IN MOSCOW 'err yeh i know' sorry got to go pierre trying to hit me with his shoes, and then we ran around moscow pierre throwing his old shoes at me, and when he was picking them up after missing i would sit down next to a random russian and tell that my friend likes boys. we headed back to the hostel where jack and tim (who were in the same situation) were sitting and drinking. we discovered the reason why we had no beds - the hostel had been rented out to a school group of 12 year old girls (heaven). we had some dinner and then i went on a beer run. whilst in the supermarket i was supermarket waying up my options i came across a drink called jaguar. when u first see it it looks just like a 500ml can energy drink. on further inspection i discovered it was also 9% alcoholic volume. 3 please, i got pierre his beers and went back to show my discovery, we got back though and obviously pierer was like why wouldnt you get those for me?? after finishing off our drinks we decided to go to a club called propaganda which we had found in the exile. on the way to teh metro station i called for another round of jaguar and by teh 4th can my eyes were bulging out of my head. we got to properganda and got face controlled probably cos we were all hurrendously drunk, the queue was about 3 people long so i tried to get in about 12 times sometimes trying to use my british passport other times slapping my fake polo shirt going why won't you let me in? i''m wearing polo, POLO. eventually some russian guys got us a cab to the next club which cost about a fiver to drive about 100m we got in, had a beer and the next thing i remember is being woken up outside of the club asleep against a lamppost by pierre, and thinking that i was in Irkutsk. when we got to teh metro station we met jack who had gone to some trance club with tim who was nowhere to be seen. we got back to teh hostel and just feel asleep in the common room. about 4 hours later we were woken up by all the girls getting up and eating our cheetos. looking at us like hwat the fuck has happened to you - this is what its like to be an adult ladies, tim still hadnt returned. It beuing victory day we didnt go to sleep after the school group left, we instead headed into the centre of town with a finnish guy who had also arrived to see us asleep on the common room chairs. we were gutted that we missed the actual war parade and all we saw was a few thousand people walking about red square and the locality with bare soviet shit on them, badges flags ect. everyone had a russia flag with them and it was all just a bit jokes, even thouh i didnt dare mention it as the war affected them a lot more than it did us. me and pierre excused ourselves from the finnish guy and just cotched and did some more beanie watching. i hit the internet cafe to do some couch surfing and hostelworlding and eventually went back to the hostel to sleep. when i got back tim had finally returned - turned out that he had ended up meeting a music producer and went back to his studio to do a load of cocaine.
that night tim jack and pierre pussied out so i went to a club called zona with a brazillian guy called rodrigo and a spanish girl called marta. to fuel my night i started off with a jaguar or three. when we got to the club the bouncer told me that i had to go to vip which cost twice as much but it was quite cool. the vip area consisted of an extra bar where you got a free drink with your entry and a little lounge area which was full of topless women writhing aroung on glass tables - which was nice. the music they were playing down was some of the best house music that i ever heard. marta made us do a sambucca, which invloves the barman setting the sambucca on fire putting another glas over it which gets all the fumes, u do teh smabucca and then with a straw poked through a napkin you take a few breathes of the sambucca, i swear my head almost exploded. at about 3.30 i was feeling pretty tired and i was said to marta thatr i was lagging and she asked me if i wanted to leave but i was like teh metro doesnt open for another 2 hours so i powered through and eventually had to leave cos i was so hungry cos i hadnt eaten in about 15 hours. got back, hit the sack.

the next day we all woke up at about 2 in teh afternoon, pierre jack and tim having slept about 15 hours all we did that do was go to moomoo and the internet cafe. they went to zona that night but 7 cans of jaguar in 2 days and pretty much destroyed my imune system and i was feeling like shit. they didnt get told to go vip so they had a 5/6 hour solid house experience apart from tim who was so drunk that he fell out the cab and passed out in a forest. pierre claims that noone has ever danced to house as good as he did that night. the jury is still out. jack got off with a girl by apologising for pierre ridiculousness.

the next day we eventually got to the kremlin and realised it wasnt that good. we tried to go and see lenin but he was still closed - fucking holidays. abit of an anticlimactic end to such a strange city but we were getting teh train to st petersburg the next morning which EVERYbody said was better in terms of people, scenery and women.

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