The novelty of the Big City Life war off in about 36 hours after we had eaten 4 or so proper meals. we quickly came to realise that we needed to get out of there but with our only option until the 27th beng to get on another tour (which involved having to pack and, of course, money) we ended up staying put.
our first night in town me, pierre, paul and craig went out to a few bars where and then headed to teh best club in town called Metropolis, or 'Metro' as the locals called it. it was a thursday night so after being there for about 45 minutes the music stopped (at 2). the lads started chatting with these mongolian gangsters and i went over to the girl who'd been giving me eyes since we'd been there. i didnt quite catch her name but she was like 'i like you can i have your number?' at this point i bring out teh cheese and say 'no you cant only until you give me a kiss' the genius ploy worked and i gave her my number and she went home cos she had to start work at 9 the next day. i went back to the guys and they were still chattin getting some free vodka, i started trying to chat in russian to there ukranian friend but he preferred for some reason to speak in french. the fat mongolian guy who pierre paul and craig were talking to kept calling me iranian so i told him why i was dark skinned and later on when he asked me why my trousers so low i said thats the style, and he replied 'oh thats so nigger!' cunt. one of women asked me where i was from and said england 'but you are dark skinned' 'yeh i'm part african' 'oh, you are very handsome' - i think she was a hooker though. outside i challenged one of them for a wrestle, the fat mongolia pulled down my pants that were showing i went to adjust them and duly lost, then teh gangsters invited us back to there hotel but we didnt want to get robbed and raped.
next morning i woke up quite early to fins some peng french woman in my room, i put my headphones to chill out with some music and admired her massive boobies. then i got a text! 2 things made me laugh histerically recieving worried looks from the french bird. the first thing was the text said MORNING PRETTTTTTTTYYYYYY!!!!!! the second thing was that i had saved teh girl on my phone as 'Mongolia Bitch'. that breakfast even though i wasnt that hungr i stayed and ate with teh french girl just cos all you want when ur hungover are some nice boobies. a side effect of this was that in order to not look weird and act as if i was just sitting there to be with her, i made 4 cups of coffee and trhe result is evident in my post for shanghai. my attention span for teh rest of that day was about 2 seconds. Paul left us that morning, probably the cleverest move out of all of us, the whole week previous we had been taking the piss saying that after 7 days in a car he would immediately be doing 5 days on the train, but he had the last laugh.
otherwise in Ub we didnt do much, we found ourselves in metro the next night surrounded by infinite amounts of beautiful women all cockteases, we met some russian students who wanted us to meet up with them later but i had my beanie and pierre couldnt be bothered. we spent most of our days drinking coca-cola and playing counter strike, watching prettymuch teh entire hostel dvd collection, we checked out a few sites like the black market, the dinosaur museum and i checked out the main monastry in town, but otherwise it was just the same feeling of dispair everyday waking up in the same bed being. having such a repetitive cycle of soing nothing tends to make yopu go crazy and i'm not talking the MC Verse sense of the phrase. Steve the big canadian, who went to moscow on the tuesday was already feeling it and he was only in Ub for 4 days, we were there for 10.
I leave you with a song:
"QUE SERA, SERA. WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE. WE'RE STUCK IN FUCKING UB. QUE SERA, SERA..."
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
gobi.
i never really knew what to expect from the desert, apparently its what experts call a cold desert so what, am i expecting ice? nope, the woman at our hostel in Ub says if u sleep on the ground ur friend will be putting you in the back of the van the next day. what does that even mean. there are no supermarkets, no showers, no electricity she continues. ok i'll just take a fuck load of munch and a few changes of warm clothes (my first day outfit was winter jacket, shorts and tights).
when our car arrived we realised to our pleasure that we were to be driving around teh desert in a converted 4x4 soviet ambulance, part of Mr Kim's fleet of 8 or summit like that. teh sesat werre fairly comfy and i driver looked like a socialble enough guy, even if his english was limited. because victoria suffers from travel sickness she sat in the front by the driver, swo teh back 5 seat that all faced eachother were left for the lads. apart from me and pierre and steve we were joined by athis guy called paul, who used to sell internet advertising from his bosses house in barnsbury and craig who works in something to do in computing in cambridge.
teh 5 of us made a pretty varied group which didnt limit the conversation which was very good indeed as we were driving for up to 7 hours everyday. every night we stayed in a nomadic family's spare ger and they provided us with dinner and breakfast. dinner was usually very limited, most of the time for the meat eaters it was mutton and rice and the mutton was usually replaced by mushrooms for me, but a few times i just got rice with ketchup or something that resembled gruel. at night we mostly just played cards and drank vodka and went to be pretty early , because in most places a lack of electricty tends to limit your nightime activity, the actual family's ger was usually equipped with solar panel and satellite dish so they were living the highlife.
most days we were just visiting 'rock formations' but the best days were the 4th and 5th, where after staying teh night in the 'city' of dalanzagdag (one road,. lots of gers) where we got the best food, we went into teh national park where we say an ice waterfall, (which was pretty impressive as i havnt seen that many non-ice waterfalls either) then we had a walkj down an ice valley. that night we satyed by teh sand dunes in our own ger - the family cooked us dinner then fucked off, so we made a camp fire. and took lots of long exposure photos. the next morning we finally got to ride some camels and rode them up to teh sand dunes which we then climbed up. unfortunatel if u dont have a sandboard of some sort of sled or disc then you cant slide down them which would have been fun. when we got back down our camel guides invited us for a wrestle, 2 of teh three mongolians i have wrestled to and lost to to date. and then a steve, craig, pierre and victoria did a bit of rigged camel racing, which made our guide a few thousand togrogs.
on the 2 day drive back to UB from the sand dunes a few of us started to go mad, steve especially, it was his turn to ride backwards and he didnt really want to see anymore desert, he was getting a bit annoyed at craig as well, lets just say there personalities clashed a bit. paul kept us entertained with his stories and sexual escapades, as well as all his different uses of slang, steve also kept us entertained with his 'non' sex-tourist stories of thailand. he's not really but it was fun to wind him up about it.
when we finally hit tarmack again just outside UB we thought we had finally made it but we went over one bump to many and our accelerater cable snapped, baira our driver though just got soime wire and tied it back together, the genius. everyone was happy to get back to teh comforts of the city and wash, (pierre had been wearing the same clothes for 7 days) and we all went and had a pizza and went out that night.
when our car arrived we realised to our pleasure that we were to be driving around teh desert in a converted 4x4 soviet ambulance, part of Mr Kim's fleet of 8 or summit like that. teh sesat werre fairly comfy and i driver looked like a socialble enough guy, even if his english was limited. because victoria suffers from travel sickness she sat in the front by the driver, swo teh back 5 seat that all faced eachother were left for the lads. apart from me and pierre and steve we were joined by athis guy called paul, who used to sell internet advertising from his bosses house in barnsbury and craig who works in something to do in computing in cambridge.
teh 5 of us made a pretty varied group which didnt limit the conversation which was very good indeed as we were driving for up to 7 hours everyday. every night we stayed in a nomadic family's spare ger and they provided us with dinner and breakfast. dinner was usually very limited, most of the time for the meat eaters it was mutton and rice and the mutton was usually replaced by mushrooms for me, but a few times i just got rice with ketchup or something that resembled gruel. at night we mostly just played cards and drank vodka and went to be pretty early , because in most places a lack of electricty tends to limit your nightime activity, the actual family's ger was usually equipped with solar panel and satellite dish so they were living the highlife.
most days we were just visiting 'rock formations' but the best days were the 4th and 5th, where after staying teh night in the 'city' of dalanzagdag (one road,. lots of gers) where we got the best food, we went into teh national park where we say an ice waterfall, (which was pretty impressive as i havnt seen that many non-ice waterfalls either) then we had a walkj down an ice valley. that night we satyed by teh sand dunes in our own ger - the family cooked us dinner then fucked off, so we made a camp fire. and took lots of long exposure photos. the next morning we finally got to ride some camels and rode them up to teh sand dunes which we then climbed up. unfortunatel if u dont have a sandboard of some sort of sled or disc then you cant slide down them which would have been fun. when we got back down our camel guides invited us for a wrestle, 2 of teh three mongolians i have wrestled to and lost to to date. and then a steve, craig, pierre and victoria did a bit of rigged camel racing, which made our guide a few thousand togrogs.
on the 2 day drive back to UB from the sand dunes a few of us started to go mad, steve especially, it was his turn to ride backwards and he didnt really want to see anymore desert, he was getting a bit annoyed at craig as well, lets just say there personalities clashed a bit. paul kept us entertained with his stories and sexual escapades, as well as all his different uses of slang, steve also kept us entertained with his 'non' sex-tourist stories of thailand. he's not really but it was fun to wind him up about it.
when we finally hit tarmack again just outside UB we thought we had finally made it but we went over one bump to many and our accelerater cable snapped, baira our driver though just got soime wire and tied it back together, the genius. everyone was happy to get back to teh comforts of the city and wash, (pierre had been wearing the same clothes for 7 days) and we all went and had a pizza and went out that night.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Arrival Mongolia
Our first leg of the trans siberian was a cold one. the compartments are 4-berth and have a door but they are no more comfortable than the chinese trains. after not much sleep the night before dur the eary wake we spent off the day sleeping, which actually on a train like that, especially when the views outside are shit (it was our worst day weather-wise since we had arrived in china, and northern china near the mongolian border is a shithole anyway...). it was soooo cold as well, thge 2 sheets and blanket provided werent enough. the worst part about the train ride was the border crossing which took a total of 5 hours. The chinese one took longer but the mongolian one was at 2 in the morning so i dont know whcih one i liked least. what was good which i was getting worried about was that they would go through my bags and find my piece of the great wall (apparently your not aloud to steal bits of national monuments).
When we woke up teh next day we found ourselves in a completely different landscape, dominated by browns and oranges. and barely anything to be seen for miles. we were in mongolia alright. we were supposedly 4 hours behind schedule but i saw a growing number of concrete houses approaching so i was like to pierre, i think we're here, and he's like no we're too early but secretly starts packing away. slowly but surely we pull into a station in the middle of a city and pierre's like 'this cant be ulaanbataar' ULAANBATAAR!' the conductor calls out almost immediately but he doesnt care he's packed, ive got all my shit evrywhere so i just put it into one big bundle and and packed up on the platform - didnt even loose anything. the people who owned the hostel we were to stay at came and picked us up from the station along with the other 20 or so people on the train who were also staying there. as soon as we arrived th ehostel owner kim started selling one of his tours and tried to get out to go the next day but we all wanted to chill out and decided to go the day after. that night we went to the pub with a few people that we'd met in beijing, steve a 'large set smoker' from canada and paul (some guy from morecombe, and the guys who we planned to go the gobi with (steve is included in said group as well). from first impressions they all seemed like pretty cool guys and i that impression didnt really change that much.
the next day me and pierre wandered around the town visiting the parliament building and the main square. we got our food supllies for the desert (much of which we still have left because bobby, the lady from the hostel exaggerated the lack of quality and under-abundance of food in the desert, we're still eating from it now, 6 days after returning) i also bought some gloves and tights. that night we went for one last good meal in the local irish pub which serves delicious food, and had a relitevly early night before we went to the gobi the following morning.
When we woke up teh next day we found ourselves in a completely different landscape, dominated by browns and oranges. and barely anything to be seen for miles. we were in mongolia alright. we were supposedly 4 hours behind schedule but i saw a growing number of concrete houses approaching so i was like to pierre, i think we're here, and he's like no we're too early but secretly starts packing away. slowly but surely we pull into a station in the middle of a city and pierre's like 'this cant be ulaanbataar' ULAANBATAAR!' the conductor calls out almost immediately but he doesnt care he's packed, ive got all my shit evrywhere so i just put it into one big bundle and and packed up on the platform - didnt even loose anything. the people who owned the hostel we were to stay at came and picked us up from the station along with the other 20 or so people on the train who were also staying there. as soon as we arrived th ehostel owner kim started selling one of his tours and tried to get out to go the next day but we all wanted to chill out and decided to go the day after. that night we went to the pub with a few people that we'd met in beijing, steve a 'large set smoker' from canada and paul (some guy from morecombe, and the guys who we planned to go the gobi with (steve is included in said group as well). from first impressions they all seemed like pretty cool guys and i that impression didnt really change that much.
the next day me and pierre wandered around the town visiting the parliament building and the main square. we got our food supllies for the desert (much of which we still have left because bobby, the lady from the hostel exaggerated the lack of quality and under-abundance of food in the desert, we're still eating from it now, 6 days after returning) i also bought some gloves and tights. that night we went for one last good meal in the local irish pub which serves delicious food, and had a relitevly early night before we went to the gobi the following morning.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Chinese Reflections
I liked china. it was nice and good and fun and cool and stuff.
In all seriousness though i did actually really enjoy china. i was pleasantly suprised at how friendly the people were, how attractive the women were and how cool the place were. it is actually a properly soem would still say developing but in my eyes its actually quite far on its way and i hope they dont fuck up the olympics for the peoples sake, especially as they are looking forward to it so much.
There are things in china that creep me out a bit though, like the constant staring and its not because i'm big or dark skinned but simply because i'm not chinese.
the other, and probably worse, thing is hoe communist it still feels, yes fair enough i know it still is officially communist but tehy are trying to promote tehmselves as an economic superpower. the thing that makes it seem commi is that everything is still peoples this and peoples that but most of all it is the police state feel to it. It is the 21st fucking century and there still isnt free press. In china they have a channel called cctv 9 which is teh english channel of teh china tv network cctv(quite fitting) when you watch this you get to see what the shit the chinese people are having shoved at them, whats worse is that they believe it.
OVERVIEW:
MATT
best place - Macau/Kunming/Beijing
worst place - Guangzhou
best nightlife - Shanghai/Kunming
best people - Beijing
PIERRE
best place - Beijing
worst place - Guangzhou
best nightlife - Shanghai/Beijing
best people - Xi'an/Beijing
STANDINGS:
PIERRE: 5 pulls, 1 bang.
MATT: 5 pulls.
In all seriousness though i did actually really enjoy china. i was pleasantly suprised at how friendly the people were, how attractive the women were and how cool the place were. it is actually a properly soem would still say developing but in my eyes its actually quite far on its way and i hope they dont fuck up the olympics for the peoples sake, especially as they are looking forward to it so much.
There are things in china that creep me out a bit though, like the constant staring and its not because i'm big or dark skinned but simply because i'm not chinese.
the other, and probably worse, thing is hoe communist it still feels, yes fair enough i know it still is officially communist but tehy are trying to promote tehmselves as an economic superpower. the thing that makes it seem commi is that everything is still peoples this and peoples that but most of all it is the police state feel to it. It is the 21st fucking century and there still isnt free press. In china they have a channel called cctv 9 which is teh english channel of teh china tv network cctv(quite fitting) when you watch this you get to see what the shit the chinese people are having shoved at them, whats worse is that they believe it.
OVERVIEW:
MATT
best place - Macau/Kunming/Beijing
worst place - Guangzhou
best nightlife - Shanghai/Kunming
best people - Beijing
PIERRE
best place - Beijing
worst place - Guangzhou
best nightlife - Shanghai/Beijing
best people - Xi'an/Beijing
STANDINGS:
PIERRE: 5 pulls, 1 bang.
MATT: 5 pulls.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Beijing!
Finally we make it to the capital, the big cheese, the last destination, bei-jing bitches and wasnt it a bitch to get there or at least to get the tickets. because we were going to beijing for the holiday weekend it was - so they told us - impossible to get tickets, 8 sleeper trains sold out, sleeper bus. sold out we even tried to find some touts but they didint exist so we just asked again and she gave us a day train, not that hard really. on the train we met a chinese girl called rei who had been living in shoreditch for 6 months, a lot better than cardiff she says. she was also only the second person ive met who knew that bournemouth specialises in media studies.
anywho we check into our rooms and then go for some dinner. after dinner i come back to find 4 swedish girls in our room, cashback. it was one of there birthdays so they were on a big one so me and pierre obviously obliged. we went to the bar street sank a few beers and cocktails, i still had no money because of shanghai, but pierre and the girls bought me some stuff, one of tehm called jo bought me a blow job (shooter). anyway we decided to head to the club because we wanted to dance. on the way to teh club i noticed that pierre was getting really friendly with one of the girls called martina, while i was walking along with the birthday girl, sophie, who unfortunately had a boyfriend, anyway we got to the club and it cost 7 quid to get in and there was only an hour left me and sophie turned around and theres pierre lipsing this girl in teh car park, fair game (pierre - 'i was thinking i'll get off with her in the club but then i just decided to get off with her then' playa) jo and the other girl emelie were nowhere to be seen because jo had broken her foot or something. anyway us 4 got a cab back and i got to sit with the love birds, lucky me! when we got back me and sophie went outside to smoke a spliff and pierre and martina joined us before they joined us sophie was telling me about her 'boyfriend' i was like oh yeh. anyway when we got back inside pierre went out like a light, i get into bed and sophie just sits on the floor by me, i hold her hand and she climbs in! she didnt want to get freaky just a kiss and a spoon but was nice all the same.
the next day we made a meek attempt at tourism and walked to tiananmen before we started cahtting to some chinese guys who we asked where we could get some suits. we got some suits measured - pierre got a grey fitted cashmere and i got a light blue straight cut polyester/silk. we went back to the hostel where we met some dutch guys. it was there first night in china so they were on a big one too. the swedish girls were on a quiet one.
we searched time out beijing and settled on going to babyface - the big club chain in china. after a few beers in the hostel, for me anyway (pierre had been drinking since 5) we got the cab there and got in to find a decent club not to packed but not empty feeling. we got some more beers, and eventually the chinese guys started showing off and poring us drinks. pierre had to go home about an hour through absolute pissheadness (he ended up being sick in tiannanmen square, which is pretty cool seeing as spitting in tiannanmen square is a hangable offence). a group of chinese girls come over to dance and i start dancing with one, her friend tells me that it is her birthday, coolio, i eventuallky get off with her but the same friend comes up to me afterwards and says 'she is good girl but u must not make love to her', what??! anyway i got lots of drinks from them, i tried to askm my girl what her friend meant but she didnt really speak english so we had a big not love making session outside before some man told us to go back in. while i was outside flip and sandro, the dutch guys left leaving me in the club by with the girls which was fine until they decided to leave. they were like where are your friends? gone home. do you like pool? er yeh, do u want to come to a pool hall? ok. in the cab to the pool hall i did my standard chinese thing where i ask them how old they are with them normally being older than i think, it turned out that they were fucking 16, which deduced in the morning meant it was her 16th birthday (the advise now seemed probably the soundest i'd had in a while), hey the swede was turning 21, it averages out i guess. i asked them how old they thought i was - 24! which i then corrected them on much to the delight of her friends 19 year old boyfriend 'you are older than me - understand'. the pool hall was wicked, a proper one situated in an underground car park, the cab home was long and expensive but the taxi driver gave me a contemplative cigarrette which i smoked alone in the back of the cab. when i got back (at 5.30) sandro was on msn to his girlfriend, 'hey man did u blow ur balls!' he says slapping me in the nuts, 'nah man she was only 16' - 'so what, how old are you?' good point.
we woke up the next day and i told pierre about everything that happened the night before and then this strange dutch guy called D just magic-ed this huge red bucket from his bed, i dunno why but it was fucking hilarious. later on we went to the olympic site with all the swedish girls which was a real disapointment. what it made me realise is that beijing is still not ready for these games which are going to be hosted in 4 months. it is not only the stadia, in which there was a massive metal fence hording which didnt allow tou to see it properly, teh whole town centre as well is a building site. The Hutongs (old chinese ghetto) where we were staying are being left alone apart from the bits along the main road which the tourists might see. ah well its not up to me, if china fucks these games up its their problem.
that night we again looked in teh time out and went out with flip, sandro and the swedish girls, the clu we went to was shit, and was made even shitter by teh fact that i tried to have a spliff out side with teh rest of my weed but was so drunk that i dropped it all on the ground. the club we went to afterwards charged us 60 on the door and believe you me it wasnt worth it there were about 20 people in it mostly westerners and they were dressed in the strangest attire. men in over the shoulder thongs, women all wearing red feather boas etc, overall it was a disapointing night apart from the bit that i just remembered when the swedish girls woke me up from my early evening nap saying 'we've got plans for you' despite what i hoped they meant they actually meant that we were to egg the peking duck restaurant that had ripped them off we did so with aplomb and duly ran deep into the Hutong. i went back the next day and saw my second floor strike had not been cleaned and had left a stain. cashback!
The day afyer we thought we'd better do some shit so we went to the forbidden city, which was shit. we spent about 2 hours there and it just a big chinese space, half of which was covered in scaffold. i cleansed my paedophilic self passing through the gate of heavenly purity but otherwise we didnt do much. pierre cleverly stated that 'every chinese sight or attraction should have a sign on it saying PREPARE TO BE UNDERWHELMED' we had a quiet night that night because we were doing the great wall the next day, it was the swedish girls last night so i still managed to get a bit drunk and go to bed reletively late, and wake up drunk the next day.
eating dumplings for breakfast whilst still drunk is surprisingly funny especially when you are watching a australian guy eating scrambled eggs on toast at about 80 mph, the canadian chinese guy from my room who loved to say 'Holy Smokes!' actually told me to stop being a dick.
The Great wall tour which we did was called teh secret wall because it was a unrenovated section with absolutely no tourists on it. the vies from teh top were fucking awesome and you dont really understand teh scale of it until you are phisically on it. Mao said that you are not truly a man until you walk on it so thats ticked off the list. are guide was a tiny 70 year old chinese lady who must have been just over 4 foot tall, but she climbed up those slopes like a fucking mountain goat. i dont think teh hostel actually paid her but we gave her are plastic bottles at the end which made her pretty happy. they gave us a massive meal (vegetarian!) afterwards before the 2 1/2 hour drive back.
when we got back we found that that the swedish girls had left us quelque'chose including a nice warm weather jacket for pierre - he has, after all, so our tailor said, a female's frame. afterwards we picked up are suits and then headed to the pearl market for some haggling fun. i got a massive jacket for about 12 quid and some fake polo, polo shirts and jumpers for a tenner collectively. we also almost brought a chinese woman to tears getting some fake footy shirts for 6 quid between us, but in the end they still make a profit. in teh end pierre was just haggling for fun bringing out quotes like 'i would rather go to mongolia in a t-shirt than pay 200 for that jacket. the day was fucking awesome apart from the dinner which happened to be our last meal in china which ended up costing a ridiculous amount, my tofu came with beef on it and it left us with no money. needless to say we settled for a few beers that night but we did meet an absolute sex tourist who started telling us his stories from thailand including one about him in a dentists chair with catwoman sucking him off, a nurse sitting on his face and an air hostess with a finger in his arse and just as he was about to shoot his load his mate whips the curtain open dividing him and the rest of teh bar an says hurry up mate we want to go clubbing. Archie be warned, or look forward however you want to see it.
we got up at 6 the next day to get teh first leg of our trans-siuberian adventure which went off without any serious hitches, and said bye bye to china.
anywho we check into our rooms and then go for some dinner. after dinner i come back to find 4 swedish girls in our room, cashback. it was one of there birthdays so they were on a big one so me and pierre obviously obliged. we went to the bar street sank a few beers and cocktails, i still had no money because of shanghai, but pierre and the girls bought me some stuff, one of tehm called jo bought me a blow job (shooter). anyway we decided to head to the club because we wanted to dance. on the way to teh club i noticed that pierre was getting really friendly with one of the girls called martina, while i was walking along with the birthday girl, sophie, who unfortunately had a boyfriend, anyway we got to the club and it cost 7 quid to get in and there was only an hour left me and sophie turned around and theres pierre lipsing this girl in teh car park, fair game (pierre - 'i was thinking i'll get off with her in the club but then i just decided to get off with her then' playa) jo and the other girl emelie were nowhere to be seen because jo had broken her foot or something. anyway us 4 got a cab back and i got to sit with the love birds, lucky me! when we got back me and sophie went outside to smoke a spliff and pierre and martina joined us before they joined us sophie was telling me about her 'boyfriend' i was like oh yeh. anyway when we got back inside pierre went out like a light, i get into bed and sophie just sits on the floor by me, i hold her hand and she climbs in! she didnt want to get freaky just a kiss and a spoon but was nice all the same.
the next day we made a meek attempt at tourism and walked to tiananmen before we started cahtting to some chinese guys who we asked where we could get some suits. we got some suits measured - pierre got a grey fitted cashmere and i got a light blue straight cut polyester/silk. we went back to the hostel where we met some dutch guys. it was there first night in china so they were on a big one too. the swedish girls were on a quiet one.
we searched time out beijing and settled on going to babyface - the big club chain in china. after a few beers in the hostel, for me anyway (pierre had been drinking since 5) we got the cab there and got in to find a decent club not to packed but not empty feeling. we got some more beers, and eventually the chinese guys started showing off and poring us drinks. pierre had to go home about an hour through absolute pissheadness (he ended up being sick in tiannanmen square, which is pretty cool seeing as spitting in tiannanmen square is a hangable offence). a group of chinese girls come over to dance and i start dancing with one, her friend tells me that it is her birthday, coolio, i eventuallky get off with her but the same friend comes up to me afterwards and says 'she is good girl but u must not make love to her', what??! anyway i got lots of drinks from them, i tried to askm my girl what her friend meant but she didnt really speak english so we had a big not love making session outside before some man told us to go back in. while i was outside flip and sandro, the dutch guys left leaving me in the club by with the girls which was fine until they decided to leave. they were like where are your friends? gone home. do you like pool? er yeh, do u want to come to a pool hall? ok. in the cab to the pool hall i did my standard chinese thing where i ask them how old they are with them normally being older than i think, it turned out that they were fucking 16, which deduced in the morning meant it was her 16th birthday (the advise now seemed probably the soundest i'd had in a while), hey the swede was turning 21, it averages out i guess. i asked them how old they thought i was - 24! which i then corrected them on much to the delight of her friends 19 year old boyfriend 'you are older than me - understand'. the pool hall was wicked, a proper one situated in an underground car park, the cab home was long and expensive but the taxi driver gave me a contemplative cigarrette which i smoked alone in the back of the cab. when i got back (at 5.30) sandro was on msn to his girlfriend, 'hey man did u blow ur balls!' he says slapping me in the nuts, 'nah man she was only 16' - 'so what, how old are you?' good point.
we woke up the next day and i told pierre about everything that happened the night before and then this strange dutch guy called D just magic-ed this huge red bucket from his bed, i dunno why but it was fucking hilarious. later on we went to the olympic site with all the swedish girls which was a real disapointment. what it made me realise is that beijing is still not ready for these games which are going to be hosted in 4 months. it is not only the stadia, in which there was a massive metal fence hording which didnt allow tou to see it properly, teh whole town centre as well is a building site. The Hutongs (old chinese ghetto) where we were staying are being left alone apart from the bits along the main road which the tourists might see. ah well its not up to me, if china fucks these games up its their problem.
that night we again looked in teh time out and went out with flip, sandro and the swedish girls, the clu we went to was shit, and was made even shitter by teh fact that i tried to have a spliff out side with teh rest of my weed but was so drunk that i dropped it all on the ground. the club we went to afterwards charged us 60 on the door and believe you me it wasnt worth it there were about 20 people in it mostly westerners and they were dressed in the strangest attire. men in over the shoulder thongs, women all wearing red feather boas etc, overall it was a disapointing night apart from the bit that i just remembered when the swedish girls woke me up from my early evening nap saying 'we've got plans for you' despite what i hoped they meant they actually meant that we were to egg the peking duck restaurant that had ripped them off we did so with aplomb and duly ran deep into the Hutong. i went back the next day and saw my second floor strike had not been cleaned and had left a stain. cashback!
The day afyer we thought we'd better do some shit so we went to the forbidden city, which was shit. we spent about 2 hours there and it just a big chinese space, half of which was covered in scaffold. i cleansed my paedophilic self passing through the gate of heavenly purity but otherwise we didnt do much. pierre cleverly stated that 'every chinese sight or attraction should have a sign on it saying PREPARE TO BE UNDERWHELMED' we had a quiet night that night because we were doing the great wall the next day, it was the swedish girls last night so i still managed to get a bit drunk and go to bed reletively late, and wake up drunk the next day.
eating dumplings for breakfast whilst still drunk is surprisingly funny especially when you are watching a australian guy eating scrambled eggs on toast at about 80 mph, the canadian chinese guy from my room who loved to say 'Holy Smokes!' actually told me to stop being a dick.
The Great wall tour which we did was called teh secret wall because it was a unrenovated section with absolutely no tourists on it. the vies from teh top were fucking awesome and you dont really understand teh scale of it until you are phisically on it. Mao said that you are not truly a man until you walk on it so thats ticked off the list. are guide was a tiny 70 year old chinese lady who must have been just over 4 foot tall, but she climbed up those slopes like a fucking mountain goat. i dont think teh hostel actually paid her but we gave her are plastic bottles at the end which made her pretty happy. they gave us a massive meal (vegetarian!) afterwards before the 2 1/2 hour drive back.
when we got back we found that that the swedish girls had left us quelque'chose including a nice warm weather jacket for pierre - he has, after all, so our tailor said, a female's frame. afterwards we picked up are suits and then headed to the pearl market for some haggling fun. i got a massive jacket for about 12 quid and some fake polo, polo shirts and jumpers for a tenner collectively. we also almost brought a chinese woman to tears getting some fake footy shirts for 6 quid between us, but in the end they still make a profit. in teh end pierre was just haggling for fun bringing out quotes like 'i would rather go to mongolia in a t-shirt than pay 200 for that jacket. the day was fucking awesome apart from the dinner which happened to be our last meal in china which ended up costing a ridiculous amount, my tofu came with beef on it and it left us with no money. needless to say we settled for a few beers that night but we did meet an absolute sex tourist who started telling us his stories from thailand including one about him in a dentists chair with catwoman sucking him off, a nurse sitting on his face and an air hostess with a finger in his arse and just as he was about to shoot his load his mate whips the curtain open dividing him and the rest of teh bar an says hurry up mate we want to go clubbing. Archie be warned, or look forward however you want to see it.
we got up at 6 the next day to get teh first leg of our trans-siuberian adventure which went off without any serious hitches, and said bye bye to china.
Friday, April 18, 2008
SHANG FUCKING HAI
I know i havnt blogged in a while but the last 3 weeks have been pretty mental and varied and it all started of in the 'International City' of Shanghai.l
We got the sleeper from xi'an and got our hostel which wasnt central but at the same time wasnt out in the sticks, but quickly went to the french quarter to eat some central asian food. whcih was niice on the way back to the hostel we called up dave (the bisexual aussie we met in guangzhou) to arange a night out on the town, we went to a nice little veggie restaurant with him, his mate james who was staying at the same hostel as us, and this english girl called rebecca who was learning chinese for her gap year. afterwards we went to a bar called windows 2 which was a hiphop place full of cunts (yet we did go there another time but i talk about that later...) just an example f teh cuntiness, a guy came up to me and told me i had to put my jacket behind the bar but then said in reference to pierre and dave said 'tell ur buddies, that if they want to come to a place like this lose the collared shirts and the sweaters' cunt. thge most interesting paret of teh night thougfh was doing KTV (kareoke). kareoke in china isnt like back home, u go up to what looks like a hiogh class brothel and they take u to a room and give you some beers and u rent out that room for however long and just sing the songs on a sofa with ur mates. teh weird thing about it though is that the chinese just get so absolutely shitfaced. in the time while i was taking a piss 3 different guys ran in to the toilet cubicles and threw up. the coridors are also crowded with chinese in the middle of a session of debauchery. yeh it was fun.
2nd day we went to pudong which is like china's pride and joy, theyre trying to make a skyline to rival taipei and hong kong, and it will... in about a million years, we wentr up the jimnau tower whicj is currently the tallest building in china but next door theyre buildiung a bigger one, it was shit as well cos there was no real veiwng terrace, u were just looking out of a window. after walking around pudong for a bit i bought some flipflops and pierre stole some sunglasses from H&M the shop thats been loyal to him for so long.we then got the bund sight seeing tunnelwhich if my camera cvomes back from the desert u'll see it was possibly the weirdest thing that side of tiannanmen. then we just went and took some more disrespectful photos by historical sights. that night we just relaxed with a few beers at the hostel. and i played pool with some guys from chile, a not veruy interesting day overall.
the third day we just walked ariound teh centre of town havingf chatrs with the locals which is always funny. 'Are you two brothers?' 'you are very handsome' 'your are very fashionable' we also went to the city museum where the book says u should spend a whole day in butr we though it was shit town so we spent 30 minutes in it, it was free afterall. pierre thought the best thing about it was the toilet - european and toilet paper. that night we met up with dave and his french female mate who was pretty buff but she was like 24 and in a relationship, we went for dinner at a noodle place and then she went home and me pierre and dave went to teh french quarter to go clubbing. the club was good, especially for a tuesday (or whatever day it was) night, lots of hot women. what we found out was that they were cock teases, so i just danced the night away and pierre got off with there ugly mate (in fairness she weasnt that ugly) dave got cock teased by a bloke which was funny as well. the taxi home that night hurt as well, cos no matter how good my mando is caoyang road is a long fucking street and me and pierre fell asleep in teh back of the taxi and ended up paying 50 fucking cwai.
are last day i9n shangers was probably the most mental, i wanted to go on the maglev but i went to take out some money 1700 cwai but the bank didnt give me the cash but took teh money out of my account then HSBC froze my card. so i had no money for about 2 days, we did nothing all day because we were feeling how i feel now, very tired and a bit nausious but that night was mental. we went out with this manc guy called rob from our room who was travelling before going to live in new zealand. had a few beers and went to a club, funnily enough, called M2. it was full of 6 foot tall russian, models/prostitutes and there were 2 beauties going round the club poring sour apple into your mouth. the mujsic was quite good. thats one thing you get in the clubs in china, although the ppl cant dance for shit the djs are mostly pretty decent. after realising we didnt have a chance with ANY of the women there went to windows to try and get some chinese b-girls. i started dancing with this girl but she was just another cocktease, meanwhile pierre went back to a 24 hour diner that we went to earlier for dinner to catch the arsenal liverpool game. rob was getting with some butters chinese woman and saw i was in dismay so he called me over. get with her friend he says, equally butters but shorter and nicer arse, better for dancing. her mouth tasted funny. pierre says hep B. hgahahahajh. rob left and was like give me 2 hours, bullshit mor eliek 10 minutes, and my girl was like we go home now, and you know that feeling when ur heart hurts the morniung after when ur full of regret from the night before. my heart hurt then. so i said i'm going to teh toilet BUT she thought i was saying lets leave, fuck fuck fuck, run to teh toilet, run and got my jacket, ran out the club down the stairs took and left and ran for 5 minutes. SAFE. watched teh second half of teh gam,e with pierre over soem 3am scrambled eggs. after the game we back to windows for some early morning hip hop sessions then gotr the first tube home. luckily rob had finished. 'where's ur girl?' 'erm, i ran away'
We got the sleeper from xi'an and got our hostel which wasnt central but at the same time wasnt out in the sticks, but quickly went to the french quarter to eat some central asian food. whcih was niice on the way back to the hostel we called up dave (the bisexual aussie we met in guangzhou) to arange a night out on the town, we went to a nice little veggie restaurant with him, his mate james who was staying at the same hostel as us, and this english girl called rebecca who was learning chinese for her gap year. afterwards we went to a bar called windows 2 which was a hiphop place full of cunts (yet we did go there another time but i talk about that later...) just an example f teh cuntiness, a guy came up to me and told me i had to put my jacket behind the bar but then said in reference to pierre and dave said 'tell ur buddies, that if they want to come to a place like this lose the collared shirts and the sweaters' cunt. thge most interesting paret of teh night thougfh was doing KTV (kareoke). kareoke in china isnt like back home, u go up to what looks like a hiogh class brothel and they take u to a room and give you some beers and u rent out that room for however long and just sing the songs on a sofa with ur mates. teh weird thing about it though is that the chinese just get so absolutely shitfaced. in the time while i was taking a piss 3 different guys ran in to the toilet cubicles and threw up. the coridors are also crowded with chinese in the middle of a session of debauchery. yeh it was fun.
2nd day we went to pudong which is like china's pride and joy, theyre trying to make a skyline to rival taipei and hong kong, and it will... in about a million years, we wentr up the jimnau tower whicj is currently the tallest building in china but next door theyre buildiung a bigger one, it was shit as well cos there was no real veiwng terrace, u were just looking out of a window. after walking around pudong for a bit i bought some flipflops and pierre stole some sunglasses from H&M the shop thats been loyal to him for so long.we then got the bund sight seeing tunnelwhich if my camera cvomes back from the desert u'll see it was possibly the weirdest thing that side of tiannanmen. then we just went and took some more disrespectful photos by historical sights. that night we just relaxed with a few beers at the hostel. and i played pool with some guys from chile, a not veruy interesting day overall.
the third day we just walked ariound teh centre of town havingf chatrs with the locals which is always funny. 'Are you two brothers?' 'you are very handsome' 'your are very fashionable' we also went to the city museum where the book says u should spend a whole day in butr we though it was shit town so we spent 30 minutes in it, it was free afterall. pierre thought the best thing about it was the toilet - european and toilet paper. that night we met up with dave and his french female mate who was pretty buff but she was like 24 and in a relationship, we went for dinner at a noodle place and then she went home and me pierre and dave went to teh french quarter to go clubbing. the club was good, especially for a tuesday (or whatever day it was) night, lots of hot women. what we found out was that they were cock teases, so i just danced the night away and pierre got off with there ugly mate (in fairness she weasnt that ugly) dave got cock teased by a bloke which was funny as well. the taxi home that night hurt as well, cos no matter how good my mando is caoyang road is a long fucking street and me and pierre fell asleep in teh back of the taxi and ended up paying 50 fucking cwai.
are last day i9n shangers was probably the most mental, i wanted to go on the maglev but i went to take out some money 1700 cwai but the bank didnt give me the cash but took teh money out of my account then HSBC froze my card. so i had no money for about 2 days, we did nothing all day because we were feeling how i feel now, very tired and a bit nausious but that night was mental. we went out with this manc guy called rob from our room who was travelling before going to live in new zealand. had a few beers and went to a club, funnily enough, called M2. it was full of 6 foot tall russian, models/prostitutes and there were 2 beauties going round the club poring sour apple into your mouth. the mujsic was quite good. thats one thing you get in the clubs in china, although the ppl cant dance for shit the djs are mostly pretty decent. after realising we didnt have a chance with ANY of the women there went to windows to try and get some chinese b-girls. i started dancing with this girl but she was just another cocktease, meanwhile pierre went back to a 24 hour diner that we went to earlier for dinner to catch the arsenal liverpool game. rob was getting with some butters chinese woman and saw i was in dismay so he called me over. get with her friend he says, equally butters but shorter and nicer arse, better for dancing. her mouth tasted funny. pierre says hep B. hgahahahajh. rob left and was like give me 2 hours, bullshit mor eliek 10 minutes, and my girl was like we go home now, and you know that feeling when ur heart hurts the morniung after when ur full of regret from the night before. my heart hurt then. so i said i'm going to teh toilet BUT she thought i was saying lets leave, fuck fuck fuck, run to teh toilet, run and got my jacket, ran out the club down the stairs took and left and ran for 5 minutes. SAFE. watched teh second half of teh gam,e with pierre over soem 3am scrambled eggs. after the game we back to windows for some early morning hip hop sessions then gotr the first tube home. luckily rob had finished. 'where's ur girl?' 'erm, i ran away'
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