Piter

we got the express to st petersburg on the monday and arrived at 11pm, we checked into our hostel and immeadiately commenced a process of food and drink. we went to the local produkteh shop and got a few slices of pizza and a 1.5 ltr bottle of beer each. and then headed back to teh hostel to mess around on teh computer and flirt with the peng member of staff that we met, who also needed help with facebook. we stayed chatting and drinking until about 3.30 when we decided to go to the club, i asked the girl what good clubs there were (in russian naturlich) and she was like go to dacha. on the way to dacha which is literally like 5 minutes walk away we bumped into some guys from Zimbabwe called Seff and Bosso, we were liek what are you doing in st petersburg - studying bla blah blah, they had been to dacha but got faced controlled because 'this country is fucking racist man' and we told them ho wwe had been in peter for 4 hours '4 hours?! shit man, these guys are brave theyve been here for 4 hours and they are already going to teh club' yep thats us. well anyway they were liek do u wanna smoke some hash and we were like yeh. no pipe and no rizzla though so we made some short of cigarette burning bong water bottle concoction which gave you a head rush but among 4 guys took just too long to set up. bosso was being so funny apparently it was only his second time smoking weed and the first time he didnt remmeber but he doesnt like smoking it for his mum, man. then they started reciting the lord's prayer and bosso was getting confused remembering everyone's names, including his own..... eventually at about 5 we tried to go to datcha again but the bouncer was having none of it so we just went home to sleep in out lovely ikea bunkbeds.

next day we woke up around 2 ish and decided to go for a little walk around teh town. after getting some blinis (russian crepes, pancake not trainer) we had a little wlak down nevsky prospect to see if the stories about st petersburgian (?) women were true, which they were - probably to teh highest level possible. everyone knows about the ugly friend, right, to make teh average looking girls look better, well, in peter there are no ugly friends, there are no average looking friends. we walked out of teh pancake shop and i looked at a group of 6 girls all AT LEAST 9 1/2s teh front of my pants literally turned to white fluid. we then had a walk down to teh river where i got my pics of peter the great and his horse 'i dont see whty you love it so much, its only a statue...' pierres imput. when we got back to teh hostel, whilst we were messing around on the computer we noticed these trainers that looked really familier TIIIIIIIIIM TIIIIIIIIIM, he said he was coming to St petersburg but we didnt belive him but as i check teh shoes to see if tehre his size who pops his head out the door, but the man himself. tim bradley man of recording studios and woods. yay! that night after we hit a 2 hour all you can eat/drink 300 ruble restaurant we found ourselves in teh hostel with agroup of about 8 english people but funnily enough it was 2 russian girls liz and lyubov who made us go out. we went to datcha and and fidel which are both little bar clubs with cheap drinks and decent music. teh most impressive thing about teh girls was that liz was clubbing with a broken leg she claims but it was more like a seriously sprained ankle. in the end tim and some aussie bloke who i never got his name, although he was a seariously safe guy, kept trying it on with these russian girls pierre got his first kiss in about 6 weeks off liz (she couldnt run away) and tehn went for sushi and me and lyubov went for a walk. we walked down a canal and then into a coffee shop at 3 in the morning i know but russia, st petersburg especially is the most 24 hour country in the world, i knew she wasnt on it because i had sent out my signals in the club but it was really nice that early morning and we ended up chatting for hours about love and her boyfriend, life friends sport me getting old etc, next thing i know i check my watch and its 8 in the morning, i go back and pierre looks at me and is like what time is it? 8am, where have you been? coffee shop, uurrrrrrrghhhhh. mate what about you - banged her, big grin goes back to sleep.

next aftern9oon we wake up and go upstairs to get some water, liz goes to me, u will get dressed and then come out with us. ok, russian women are demanding as i will give further examples of later. liz and lyuba take me pierre and tim out to the other side of teh river where it is fucking cold. there was a snowstorm where if you stuck out your hand a snow ball would form. that night we went back to the all you can eat with a big group of people, and then proceeded im finding a bar to watch the UEFA cup final, as Zenit, the local team, had reached it. the first bar we went said we had to pay a 1000 rubles each to sit down do we foundf this sports bar inside a casino that had 3 big screens, was rammed and had 100 ruble pints! i stated chanting and a woman off the english speaking russian news channel asked if i could do a chant for the cameras and then have an interview! i thought nothing of it but then checked the website the next day and sure enough who should be in the news but old matty spurr. after the first half liz and lyubov had to leave and it was all sad and places to stay were exchanged if we should ever go to moscow again. i went back to watch the football and then lyubov comes and says i will really reget it if i dont do this and then she gets off with me which of course i didnt mind becuase she was quite attractive. all teh zenit fans were patting em on teh back as teh game reached half time, was pretty cool overall. second half zenit ran away with it and scored 2 wicked goals we had a lot of drinks with zenit fans including one guy who followed us half way arround saying the only english word every rusiian knows - drink?. that night the streets of st petersburg were crazy. we were jsut walking down nevsky chanting and hugging the locals, people were hooting their horns setting off flairs, tim followed by pierre went on a quest for some drugs and found some very strange woman who 'was famous, but nobody knows who she is' and pierre ended up pulling her much to tim's dismay as he claims he did the groundwork, turns out she had a boyfriend of 7 years so pierre ran away. me on the other hand had drunkenly decided to go back to the hostel to try and chirps the hostel worker who we had met on teh first night. of course when i turned home i realised just how drunk i was compared to teh general sobriety of the people in the hostel so i just went to bed. as i was going to bed she was like 'matt, i'll never see you again' as she wasnt working until the next week, i probably just didnt hear the 'hopefully'.

thursday day we did absolutelynothing, some finnish girls checked in the morning and we got chatting to them, that night they were talking about going to datcha again because apparently on thursday night its teh best music of teh week there. pierre and tim went but i was talking to 2 russian girls back and teh hostel called olga and i forget the other. we got to the club and i saw teh funniest sight, pierre with his hands placed on one of teh finnish girls hips and her just looking at everyone else shrugging her shoulders, fair enough we were all so pissed as we had been utilising thge all you can drink elemnt of the all you van drink/eat restaurant plus a 1.5 of beer to top it off. after a while he moved on to the best lookin of the three but she was equally as unenthusiastic. i was at the same club as them but i was spending my time with teh russian girls, at one point the one with no name goes to the toilet and olga says to me, she has gone to the toilet and then starts getting off with me, pierre tim and teh finns had gone to a different club but had came back, i told pierre i was going back with olga, 45 minutes please. we got back to the hostel and i was liek come back to my room which i thought, as it had been for teh previous 3 would be empty, no there were to new residents, shit go to her room people there, so she takes me to the kitchenette which is divided by a curtain from teh common room where people were and takes off my shirt, in the meantime one of the finnish girls walks in and is messing about in teh fridge this was apparently because she had drank normal coke as opposed to diet so had to go home. i was like fuck it this isnt going to work so just took her back to my bed

*if you dont want deets skip next para*

and she was like 'ya lyublyu horoshi sex' (i like good sex) ok then 15 minutes later of ridiculously insensitive noisiness to our room mates (i way 100kgs bed creak and she moans despite how many times i tell her to shhh she also spanked me a lot) she's like why havnt u finished dont u like me... i trying to please u bitch, i'm holding out for you. then the condom fell came off (mongolian manufactured) and then pierre walked in so it came to an end.

*u can read now*

after bone city (love that phrase) she went upstairs and everyone went back to sleep.

next mroning i asked pierre about how it went with finn and apparently she was a queen of ice, but that night was just teh ground work, caught by and early winter he says or battle of britain as i called it. next thing i know olga walks in and says 'get up' (demanding) takes me to teh smoking area, grabs my hand and thrusts it onto her pussy and then her tit. fucking hell for a very drunken man in pants and a pink silk dressing gown that shocks you awake. after moving my stuff upstairs we got off some more and i would of got some morning action if it wasnt for the 2 snoring ppakistani men in our room. that day we decided to check out the hermitage as it was tim's supposed last day as i had booked his train ticket a day earlier than he wanted. on the way he was like aww man now you guys have both slept with russian girls and ive only slept with a half russian and we were like where, thinking maybe moscow, kiev no in my room, we started by teh tv then ended up in my bed, oh back home, no last night with teh half finnish half russian girl, WHAT YOU BANGED ANNA, jokes well played, (she was slightly the least attractive of the three but undoubtedly the coolest) gash is gash he says we have taught him well. we got in for free due to student card he had to pay 300 rubles. we spent about an hour and a half there mostly on stairs, the most impressive thing about it was the building itself rather than the art on display, i mean the amout of gold in the building was almost sickening. that night we got a fuck load of alcohol, olga finally left for moscow and stopped being all psycho towareds me, she gave me her scrunchy and a set of match boxes with all the romanov family on them - i know, she was 26 and probably having a i'm not young anymore crisis. we wanted to head to a club in a bomb shelter called tunnel but it was on the other side of teh river. the metro was closed and the bridges were about to open so we just ended up going to datcha again, the woman at the hostel (different one) was like 'matt, hochesh voka? yeh i want, 'hochesh piva' yeh beer would be nice as well. by the time me and tim got the club pierre was already inside cos he had missed out on the on hostel woman's generosities, the bouncers were face controlling us so i was trying to talk them into it with my best druinken russian, but tim just goes we're english! so the ylet us in. next thing i remeber is waking up in bed. apparently i got in sat down, stood up and left.

next morning we checked out by i didnt pack my stuff away until about 7 in the evening, i spent most of the day drinking bowls of water dressed only ib ny pants and my pink silk dressing gown acting teh hostel cunt. that afternoon we watched the cup final and then went and got the bus to finland.

overall i think st petersburg was one of the best places i've evr been to in my life.