for some reason i forgot to mention it in teh piter post but the thing that made me know that st petersburg was going to be sick was the first person we conversed with.
when we were queing for our metro tickets a tramp comes up to us and asks us in russian if a tourist could lend a man some change, and in reply i say, also in russian, we're tourists, i live in st petersburg, for some reason this confused him so much he kept repeating whilst holding his head 'i dont understand, i dont understand...'
2 minutes later he comes back and starts speaking to us in perfect english, 'but u are amricans no?', no, 'but at leats english speakers', yes, we tell him, from england. oh i see he says, and walks off.
i guess you had to be there...
Friday, May 23, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Russia Reflections
Russia was always on my plans for this gap year my original idea was to go brazil for the carnival and then do the trans siberian railway and maybe spend a day in mongolia and a week in china. i have to say by the time we had been through siberia i was quite disapointed with the country i had learnt about so affectionately whilst i was learning the language, and even when so many people had told us about how rude the russians were and how bleak teh countryside was this time of year i still trusted the guidebooks words that i kept repaeting to pierre to 'throw away your preconceptions' i coudnt have pictured how bad siberia really was going to be.
moscow on tghe other hand was wicked, especially compared to siberia and my 'preconceptions' of it, i imagined a city still reeling from communism, packed out with soviet apartment blocks and miserable people. on the other hand the city was full of money (which can also be seen as a bad thing) style, beautiful women and some lovely stalinist neo-classical architechture. we were there for teh may holidays so teh whole country was spruced up and the when the sun was out the town looked magnificent. unfortuanetly after 6 days of trying to see tourist attraction and them being closed, and feeling shit from high alcoholic contented energy drinks i needed to leave.
St petersburg was my calling and i always knew this. it was exactly what i expected especially the feel of the town, in its europeaness with the architecture and the gneral attitude of the people. its ability to be expensive but at the the same time feel inexpensive was especially notable in comparison to moscow in the sense that you were spending money but you knew whole heartily that it was worth it. and teh women, my gosh the women in this town were amazing, the fact that all the girls mentioned in teh previous post are muscovites is no suprise, the women in peter are of a different level. i will deffinately come back here whetehr it be on holiday or even to live becuase my love for that town couple with my love for teh russian language might lead me to that.
overall russia got better the longer we were there, not because it grows on you but because we went to better and better places.
in terms of the standings me and pierre tied in russia with even a possible nose to me due to the amount of offers of future places to stay and the amount of tears shed on goodbye but here they are for real:
STANDINGS
MATT: 9 pulls, 1 bang, 1 gf
PIERRE: 8 pulls, 2 bangs.
moscow on tghe other hand was wicked, especially compared to siberia and my 'preconceptions' of it, i imagined a city still reeling from communism, packed out with soviet apartment blocks and miserable people. on the other hand the city was full of money (which can also be seen as a bad thing) style, beautiful women and some lovely stalinist neo-classical architechture. we were there for teh may holidays so teh whole country was spruced up and the when the sun was out the town looked magnificent. unfortuanetly after 6 days of trying to see tourist attraction and them being closed, and feeling shit from high alcoholic contented energy drinks i needed to leave.
St petersburg was my calling and i always knew this. it was exactly what i expected especially the feel of the town, in its europeaness with the architecture and the gneral attitude of the people. its ability to be expensive but at the the same time feel inexpensive was especially notable in comparison to moscow in the sense that you were spending money but you knew whole heartily that it was worth it. and teh women, my gosh the women in this town were amazing, the fact that all the girls mentioned in teh previous post are muscovites is no suprise, the women in peter are of a different level. i will deffinately come back here whetehr it be on holiday or even to live becuase my love for that town couple with my love for teh russian language might lead me to that.
overall russia got better the longer we were there, not because it grows on you but because we went to better and better places.
in terms of the standings me and pierre tied in russia with even a possible nose to me due to the amount of offers of future places to stay and the amount of tears shed on goodbye but here they are for real:
STANDINGS
MATT: 9 pulls, 1 bang, 1 gf
PIERRE: 8 pulls, 2 bangs.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Piter
we got the express to st petersburg on the monday and arrived at 11pm, we checked into our hostel and immeadiately commenced a process of food and drink. we went to the local produkteh shop and got a few slices of pizza and a 1.5 ltr bottle of beer each. and then headed back to teh hostel to mess around on teh computer and flirt with the peng member of staff that we met, who also needed help with facebook. we stayed chatting and drinking until about 3.30 when we decided to go to the club, i asked the girl what good clubs there were (in russian naturlich) and she was like go to dacha. on the way to dacha which is literally like 5 minutes walk away we bumped into some guys from Zimbabwe called Seff and Bosso, we were liek what are you doing in st petersburg - studying bla blah blah, they had been to dacha but got faced controlled because 'this country is fucking racist man' and we told them ho wwe had been in peter for 4 hours '4 hours?! shit man, these guys are brave theyve been here for 4 hours and they are already going to teh club' yep thats us. well anyway they were liek do u wanna smoke some hash and we were like yeh. no pipe and no rizzla though so we made some short of cigarette burning bong water bottle concoction which gave you a head rush but among 4 guys took just too long to set up. bosso was being so funny apparently it was only his second time smoking weed and the first time he didnt remmeber but he doesnt like smoking it for his mum, man. then they started reciting the lord's prayer and bosso was getting confused remembering everyone's names, including his own..... eventually at about 5 we tried to go to datcha again but the bouncer was having none of it so we just went home to sleep in out lovely ikea bunkbeds.
next day we woke up around 2 ish and decided to go for a little walk around teh town. after getting some blinis (russian crepes, pancake not trainer) we had a little wlak down nevsky prospect to see if the stories about st petersburgian (?) women were true, which they were - probably to teh highest level possible. everyone knows about the ugly friend, right, to make teh average looking girls look better, well, in peter there are no ugly friends, there are no average looking friends. we walked out of teh pancake shop and i looked at a group of 6 girls all AT LEAST 9 1/2s teh front of my pants literally turned to white fluid. we then had a walk down to teh river where i got my pics of peter the great and his horse 'i dont see whty you love it so much, its only a statue...' pierres imput. when we got back to teh hostel, whilst we were messing around on the computer we noticed these trainers that looked really familier TIIIIIIIIIM TIIIIIIIIIM, he said he was coming to St petersburg but we didnt belive him but as i check teh shoes to see if tehre his size who pops his head out the door, but the man himself. tim bradley man of recording studios and woods. yay! that night after we hit a 2 hour all you can eat/drink 300 ruble restaurant we found ourselves in teh hostel with agroup of about 8 english people but funnily enough it was 2 russian girls liz and lyubov who made us go out. we went to datcha and and fidel which are both little bar clubs with cheap drinks and decent music. teh most impressive thing about teh girls was that liz was clubbing with a broken leg she claims but it was more like a seriously sprained ankle. in the end tim and some aussie bloke who i never got his name, although he was a seariously safe guy, kept trying it on with these russian girls pierre got his first kiss in about 6 weeks off liz (she couldnt run away) and tehn went for sushi and me and lyubov went for a walk. we walked down a canal and then into a coffee shop at 3 in the morning i know but russia, st petersburg especially is the most 24 hour country in the world, i knew she wasnt on it because i had sent out my signals in the club but it was really nice that early morning and we ended up chatting for hours about love and her boyfriend, life friends sport me getting old etc, next thing i know i check my watch and its 8 in the morning, i go back and pierre looks at me and is like what time is it? 8am, where have you been? coffee shop, uurrrrrrrghhhhh. mate what about you - banged her, big grin goes back to sleep.
next aftern9oon we wake up and go upstairs to get some water, liz goes to me, u will get dressed and then come out with us. ok, russian women are demanding as i will give further examples of later. liz and lyuba take me pierre and tim out to the other side of teh river where it is fucking cold. there was a snowstorm where if you stuck out your hand a snow ball would form. that night we went back to the all you can eat with a big group of people, and then proceeded im finding a bar to watch the UEFA cup final, as Zenit, the local team, had reached it. the first bar we went said we had to pay a 1000 rubles each to sit down do we foundf this sports bar inside a casino that had 3 big screens, was rammed and had 100 ruble pints! i stated chanting and a woman off the english speaking russian news channel asked if i could do a chant for the cameras and then have an interview! i thought nothing of it but then checked the website the next day and sure enough who should be in the news but old matty spurr. after the first half liz and lyubov had to leave and it was all sad and places to stay were exchanged if we should ever go to moscow again. i went back to watch the football and then lyubov comes and says i will really reget it if i dont do this and then she gets off with me which of course i didnt mind becuase she was quite attractive. all teh zenit fans were patting em on teh back as teh game reached half time, was pretty cool overall. second half zenit ran away with it and scored 2 wicked goals we had a lot of drinks with zenit fans including one guy who followed us half way arround saying the only english word every rusiian knows - drink?. that night the streets of st petersburg were crazy. we were jsut walking down nevsky chanting and hugging the locals, people were hooting their horns setting off flairs, tim followed by pierre went on a quest for some drugs and found some very strange woman who 'was famous, but nobody knows who she is' and pierre ended up pulling her much to tim's dismay as he claims he did the groundwork, turns out she had a boyfriend of 7 years so pierre ran away. me on the other hand had drunkenly decided to go back to the hostel to try and chirps the hostel worker who we had met on teh first night. of course when i turned home i realised just how drunk i was compared to teh general sobriety of the people in the hostel so i just went to bed. as i was going to bed she was like 'matt, i'll never see you again' as she wasnt working until the next week, i probably just didnt hear the 'hopefully'.
thursday day we did absolutelynothing, some finnish girls checked in the morning and we got chatting to them, that night they were talking about going to datcha again because apparently on thursday night its teh best music of teh week there. pierre and tim went but i was talking to 2 russian girls back and teh hostel called olga and i forget the other. we got to the club and i saw teh funniest sight, pierre with his hands placed on one of teh finnish girls hips and her just looking at everyone else shrugging her shoulders, fair enough we were all so pissed as we had been utilising thge all you can drink elemnt of the all you van drink/eat restaurant plus a 1.5 of beer to top it off. after a while he moved on to the best lookin of the three but she was equally as unenthusiastic. i was at the same club as them but i was spending my time with teh russian girls, at one point the one with no name goes to the toilet and olga says to me, she has gone to the toilet and then starts getting off with me, pierre tim and teh finns had gone to a different club but had came back, i told pierre i was going back with olga, 45 minutes please. we got back to the hostel and i was liek come back to my room which i thought, as it had been for teh previous 3 would be empty, no there were to new residents, shit go to her room people there, so she takes me to the kitchenette which is divided by a curtain from teh common room where people were and takes off my shirt, in the meantime one of the finnish girls walks in and is messing about in teh fridge this was apparently because she had drank normal coke as opposed to diet so had to go home. i was like fuck it this isnt going to work so just took her back to my bed
*if you dont want deets skip next para*
and she was like 'ya lyublyu horoshi sex' (i like good sex) ok then 15 minutes later of ridiculously insensitive noisiness to our room mates (i way 100kgs bed creak and she moans despite how many times i tell her to shhh she also spanked me a lot) she's like why havnt u finished dont u like me... i trying to please u bitch, i'm holding out for you. then the condom fell came off (mongolian manufactured) and then pierre walked in so it came to an end.
*u can read now*
after bone city (love that phrase) she went upstairs and everyone went back to sleep.
next mroning i asked pierre about how it went with finn and apparently she was a queen of ice, but that night was just teh ground work, caught by and early winter he says or battle of britain as i called it. next thing i know olga walks in and says 'get up' (demanding) takes me to teh smoking area, grabs my hand and thrusts it onto her pussy and then her tit. fucking hell for a very drunken man in pants and a pink silk dressing gown that shocks you awake. after moving my stuff upstairs we got off some more and i would of got some morning action if it wasnt for the 2 snoring ppakistani men in our room. that day we decided to check out the hermitage as it was tim's supposed last day as i had booked his train ticket a day earlier than he wanted. on the way he was like aww man now you guys have both slept with russian girls and ive only slept with a half russian and we were like where, thinking maybe moscow, kiev no in my room, we started by teh tv then ended up in my bed, oh back home, no last night with teh half finnish half russian girl, WHAT YOU BANGED ANNA, jokes well played, (she was slightly the least attractive of the three but undoubtedly the coolest) gash is gash he says we have taught him well. we got in for free due to student card he had to pay 300 rubles. we spent about an hour and a half there mostly on stairs, the most impressive thing about it was the building itself rather than the art on display, i mean the amout of gold in the building was almost sickening. that night we got a fuck load of alcohol, olga finally left for moscow and stopped being all psycho towareds me, she gave me her scrunchy and a set of match boxes with all the romanov family on them - i know, she was 26 and probably having a i'm not young anymore crisis. we wanted to head to a club in a bomb shelter called tunnel but it was on the other side of teh river. the metro was closed and the bridges were about to open so we just ended up going to datcha again, the woman at the hostel (different one) was like 'matt, hochesh voka? yeh i want, 'hochesh piva' yeh beer would be nice as well. by the time me and tim got the club pierre was already inside cos he had missed out on the on hostel woman's generosities, the bouncers were face controlling us so i was trying to talk them into it with my best druinken russian, but tim just goes we're english! so the ylet us in. next thing i remeber is waking up in bed. apparently i got in sat down, stood up and left.
next morning we checked out by i didnt pack my stuff away until about 7 in the evening, i spent most of the day drinking bowls of water dressed only ib ny pants and my pink silk dressing gown acting teh hostel cunt. that afternoon we watched the cup final and then went and got the bus to finland.
overall i think st petersburg was one of the best places i've evr been to in my life.
next day we woke up around 2 ish and decided to go for a little walk around teh town. after getting some blinis (russian crepes, pancake not trainer) we had a little wlak down nevsky prospect to see if the stories about st petersburgian (?) women were true, which they were - probably to teh highest level possible. everyone knows about the ugly friend, right, to make teh average looking girls look better, well, in peter there are no ugly friends, there are no average looking friends. we walked out of teh pancake shop and i looked at a group of 6 girls all AT LEAST 9 1/2s teh front of my pants literally turned to white fluid. we then had a walk down to teh river where i got my pics of peter the great and his horse 'i dont see whty you love it so much, its only a statue...' pierres imput. when we got back to teh hostel, whilst we were messing around on the computer we noticed these trainers that looked really familier TIIIIIIIIIM TIIIIIIIIIM, he said he was coming to St petersburg but we didnt belive him but as i check teh shoes to see if tehre his size who pops his head out the door, but the man himself. tim bradley man of recording studios and woods. yay! that night after we hit a 2 hour all you can eat/drink 300 ruble restaurant we found ourselves in teh hostel with agroup of about 8 english people but funnily enough it was 2 russian girls liz and lyubov who made us go out. we went to datcha and and fidel which are both little bar clubs with cheap drinks and decent music. teh most impressive thing about teh girls was that liz was clubbing with a broken leg she claims but it was more like a seriously sprained ankle. in the end tim and some aussie bloke who i never got his name, although he was a seariously safe guy, kept trying it on with these russian girls pierre got his first kiss in about 6 weeks off liz (she couldnt run away) and tehn went for sushi and me and lyubov went for a walk. we walked down a canal and then into a coffee shop at 3 in the morning i know but russia, st petersburg especially is the most 24 hour country in the world, i knew she wasnt on it because i had sent out my signals in the club but it was really nice that early morning and we ended up chatting for hours about love and her boyfriend, life friends sport me getting old etc, next thing i know i check my watch and its 8 in the morning, i go back and pierre looks at me and is like what time is it? 8am, where have you been? coffee shop, uurrrrrrrghhhhh. mate what about you - banged her, big grin goes back to sleep.
next aftern9oon we wake up and go upstairs to get some water, liz goes to me, u will get dressed and then come out with us. ok, russian women are demanding as i will give further examples of later. liz and lyuba take me pierre and tim out to the other side of teh river where it is fucking cold. there was a snowstorm where if you stuck out your hand a snow ball would form. that night we went back to the all you can eat with a big group of people, and then proceeded im finding a bar to watch the UEFA cup final, as Zenit, the local team, had reached it. the first bar we went said we had to pay a 1000 rubles each to sit down do we foundf this sports bar inside a casino that had 3 big screens, was rammed and had 100 ruble pints! i stated chanting and a woman off the english speaking russian news channel asked if i could do a chant for the cameras and then have an interview! i thought nothing of it but then checked the website the next day and sure enough who should be in the news but old matty spurr. after the first half liz and lyubov had to leave and it was all sad and places to stay were exchanged if we should ever go to moscow again. i went back to watch the football and then lyubov comes and says i will really reget it if i dont do this and then she gets off with me which of course i didnt mind becuase she was quite attractive. all teh zenit fans were patting em on teh back as teh game reached half time, was pretty cool overall. second half zenit ran away with it and scored 2 wicked goals we had a lot of drinks with zenit fans including one guy who followed us half way arround saying the only english word every rusiian knows - drink?. that night the streets of st petersburg were crazy. we were jsut walking down nevsky chanting and hugging the locals, people were hooting their horns setting off flairs, tim followed by pierre went on a quest for some drugs and found some very strange woman who 'was famous, but nobody knows who she is' and pierre ended up pulling her much to tim's dismay as he claims he did the groundwork, turns out she had a boyfriend of 7 years so pierre ran away. me on the other hand had drunkenly decided to go back to the hostel to try and chirps the hostel worker who we had met on teh first night. of course when i turned home i realised just how drunk i was compared to teh general sobriety of the people in the hostel so i just went to bed. as i was going to bed she was like 'matt, i'll never see you again' as she wasnt working until the next week, i probably just didnt hear the 'hopefully'.
thursday day we did absolutelynothing, some finnish girls checked in the morning and we got chatting to them, that night they were talking about going to datcha again because apparently on thursday night its teh best music of teh week there. pierre and tim went but i was talking to 2 russian girls back and teh hostel called olga and i forget the other. we got to the club and i saw teh funniest sight, pierre with his hands placed on one of teh finnish girls hips and her just looking at everyone else shrugging her shoulders, fair enough we were all so pissed as we had been utilising thge all you can drink elemnt of the all you van drink/eat restaurant plus a 1.5 of beer to top it off. after a while he moved on to the best lookin of the three but she was equally as unenthusiastic. i was at the same club as them but i was spending my time with teh russian girls, at one point the one with no name goes to the toilet and olga says to me, she has gone to the toilet and then starts getting off with me, pierre tim and teh finns had gone to a different club but had came back, i told pierre i was going back with olga, 45 minutes please. we got back to the hostel and i was liek come back to my room which i thought, as it had been for teh previous 3 would be empty, no there were to new residents, shit go to her room people there, so she takes me to the kitchenette which is divided by a curtain from teh common room where people were and takes off my shirt, in the meantime one of the finnish girls walks in and is messing about in teh fridge this was apparently because she had drank normal coke as opposed to diet so had to go home. i was like fuck it this isnt going to work so just took her back to my bed
*if you dont want deets skip next para*
and she was like 'ya lyublyu horoshi sex' (i like good sex) ok then 15 minutes later of ridiculously insensitive noisiness to our room mates (i way 100kgs bed creak and she moans despite how many times i tell her to shhh she also spanked me a lot) she's like why havnt u finished dont u like me... i trying to please u bitch, i'm holding out for you. then the condom fell came off (mongolian manufactured) and then pierre walked in so it came to an end.
*u can read now*
after bone city (love that phrase) she went upstairs and everyone went back to sleep.
next mroning i asked pierre about how it went with finn and apparently she was a queen of ice, but that night was just teh ground work, caught by and early winter he says or battle of britain as i called it. next thing i know olga walks in and says 'get up' (demanding) takes me to teh smoking area, grabs my hand and thrusts it onto her pussy and then her tit. fucking hell for a very drunken man in pants and a pink silk dressing gown that shocks you awake. after moving my stuff upstairs we got off some more and i would of got some morning action if it wasnt for the 2 snoring ppakistani men in our room. that day we decided to check out the hermitage as it was tim's supposed last day as i had booked his train ticket a day earlier than he wanted. on the way he was like aww man now you guys have both slept with russian girls and ive only slept with a half russian and we were like where, thinking maybe moscow, kiev no in my room, we started by teh tv then ended up in my bed, oh back home, no last night with teh half finnish half russian girl, WHAT YOU BANGED ANNA, jokes well played, (she was slightly the least attractive of the three but undoubtedly the coolest) gash is gash he says we have taught him well. we got in for free due to student card he had to pay 300 rubles. we spent about an hour and a half there mostly on stairs, the most impressive thing about it was the building itself rather than the art on display, i mean the amout of gold in the building was almost sickening. that night we got a fuck load of alcohol, olga finally left for moscow and stopped being all psycho towareds me, she gave me her scrunchy and a set of match boxes with all the romanov family on them - i know, she was 26 and probably having a i'm not young anymore crisis. we wanted to head to a club in a bomb shelter called tunnel but it was on the other side of teh river. the metro was closed and the bridges were about to open so we just ended up going to datcha again, the woman at the hostel (different one) was like 'matt, hochesh voka? yeh i want, 'hochesh piva' yeh beer would be nice as well. by the time me and tim got the club pierre was already inside cos he had missed out on the on hostel woman's generosities, the bouncers were face controlling us so i was trying to talk them into it with my best druinken russian, but tim just goes we're english! so the ylet us in. next thing i remeber is waking up in bed. apparently i got in sat down, stood up and left.
next morning we checked out by i didnt pack my stuff away until about 7 in the evening, i spent most of the day drinking bowls of water dressed only ib ny pants and my pink silk dressing gown acting teh hostel cunt. that afternoon we watched the cup final and then went and got the bus to finland.
overall i think st petersburg was one of the best places i've evr been to in my life.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Moscow
after 56 hours on the longest train journey of my life we finally arrive in the promised land of fast cars and fast women. although we had been in europe for a day on teh train it didnt really feel like it until we actually got off the train. Our firstexperience of teh russian peoples was what m,any people would expect of russia- a gang of drunks, one of which had fallen down the metro stairs and cracked open is skull. 'oh man hee's lying in a puddle of his own sick.. oh wait thats blood.'
our first expewience of the metro was as i expected, amzing, i could see why old red ken (R.I.P) came here to improve our own sysytem, u never wait more than 2 minutes and the platforms are lined with chandeliers and mosaic. proper art deco like. anywho we got to the hostel using teh not as bad directions as we thought and dumped our shit, had a wash and hit the town. we ahd a walk down arbat street which the pedestrianised street in the centre of town but we just got tires ish and walked back to the hostel along the river passing the massive peter the great statue on the river (which is strange cos peter the great hated moscow, as wasnt known for his navy -he is surrounded by boats) when we got back to teh hostel we met jack who was talking about how his mate had had an orange for the first time in his life. that night we got some beers and found a good bar to go to in the hilariously cunty listings paper 'exile' which lists clubs by pull ability face control and drink prices. 'bring your pepper spray cos u'll need protection!' we headed to teh place and went in and it was basically a restaurant, and because we were so drunk we think that we either went to wrong place or that the bar was downstairs and we just didnt realise, what followed was the coldest walk home of my life.
next night after waking up horrendously hung over we thought we'd give it another go at walking around town, we found out much to us dismay that the kremlin was closed again so instead we visited dyetsky mir 'children's world' which was one of the 2 famous shops i always used to learn about in my russian class at school, and it was quite cool, lets say sovietly-jokes if that makes any sense at all. after that we had i first meal at moomoo a canteen style restaurant where you go choose what you want and pay at the end it reletively cheap (for moscow) and quite delicious. after that we checked out an underground shopping centre for an internet cafe to no avail but it just happened to be full of shops playing house music and amazingly peng women so we stayed there for a couple of hours. that night we had an early one because the next night we didnt have a bed to sleep in so we were gonna pull an all nighter.
the next day we checked out and put our bags in the left luggage, and went into town again but of course, the kremlin was closed and red sqaure also due cos they were practising the parade. we went to them GUM which used to be an old shopping centre but is now refurbished and full of designer shops and peng women as well. i compared my fake louis vuitton wallet with a real one and then we got an ice cream and watched the girls go by. afterwards pierre got some beautiful trainers and we then hit a bar for the afternoon, sunk about 6 and then had drunken afternoon jokes in the sunshine. pierer baught like 6 burgers in macdonalds and he ordered it in perfect russian! i got another beer in the shop and the hid from pierre. he tried to call me but called my england number which my brother is using so my bro called him back and i had like a five minute convo, he was like 'Matt what do you want' IM IN MOSCOW 'err yeh i know' sorry got to go pierre trying to hit me with his shoes, and then we ran around moscow pierre throwing his old shoes at me, and when he was picking them up after missing i would sit down next to a random russian and tell that my friend likes boys. we headed back to the hostel where jack and tim (who were in the same situation) were sitting and drinking. we discovered the reason why we had no beds - the hostel had been rented out to a school group of 12 year old girls (heaven). we had some dinner and then i went on a beer run. whilst in the supermarket i was supermarket waying up my options i came across a drink called jaguar. when u first see it it looks just like a 500ml can energy drink. on further inspection i discovered it was also 9% alcoholic volume. 3 please, i got pierre his beers and went back to show my discovery, we got back though and obviously pierer was like why wouldnt you get those for me?? after finishing off our drinks we decided to go to a club called propaganda which we had found in the exile. on the way to teh metro station i called for another round of jaguar and by teh 4th can my eyes were bulging out of my head. we got to properganda and got face controlled probably cos we were all hurrendously drunk, the queue was about 3 people long so i tried to get in about 12 times sometimes trying to use my british passport other times slapping my fake polo shirt going why won't you let me in? i''m wearing polo, POLO. eventually some russian guys got us a cab to the next club which cost about a fiver to drive about 100m we got in, had a beer and the next thing i remember is being woken up outside of the club asleep against a lamppost by pierre, and thinking that i was in Irkutsk. when we got to teh metro station we met jack who had gone to some trance club with tim who was nowhere to be seen. we got back to teh hostel and just feel asleep in the common room. about 4 hours later we were woken up by all the girls getting up and eating our cheetos. looking at us like hwat the fuck has happened to you - this is what its like to be an adult ladies, tim still hadnt returned. It beuing victory day we didnt go to sleep after the school group left, we instead headed into the centre of town with a finnish guy who had also arrived to see us asleep on the common room chairs. we were gutted that we missed the actual war parade and all we saw was a few thousand people walking about red square and the locality with bare soviet shit on them, badges flags ect. everyone had a russia flag with them and it was all just a bit jokes, even thouh i didnt dare mention it as the war affected them a lot more than it did us. me and pierre excused ourselves from the finnish guy and just cotched and did some more beanie watching. i hit the internet cafe to do some couch surfing and hostelworlding and eventually went back to the hostel to sleep. when i got back tim had finally returned - turned out that he had ended up meeting a music producer and went back to his studio to do a load of cocaine.
that night tim jack and pierre pussied out so i went to a club called zona with a brazillian guy called rodrigo and a spanish girl called marta. to fuel my night i started off with a jaguar or three. when we got to the club the bouncer told me that i had to go to vip which cost twice as much but it was quite cool. the vip area consisted of an extra bar where you got a free drink with your entry and a little lounge area which was full of topless women writhing aroung on glass tables - which was nice. the music they were playing down was some of the best house music that i ever heard. marta made us do a sambucca, which invloves the barman setting the sambucca on fire putting another glas over it which gets all the fumes, u do teh smabucca and then with a straw poked through a napkin you take a few breathes of the sambucca, i swear my head almost exploded. at about 3.30 i was feeling pretty tired and i was said to marta thatr i was lagging and she asked me if i wanted to leave but i was like teh metro doesnt open for another 2 hours so i powered through and eventually had to leave cos i was so hungry cos i hadnt eaten in about 15 hours. got back, hit the sack.
the next day we all woke up at about 2 in teh afternoon, pierre jack and tim having slept about 15 hours all we did that do was go to moomoo and the internet cafe. they went to zona that night but 7 cans of jaguar in 2 days and pretty much destroyed my imune system and i was feeling like shit. they didnt get told to go vip so they had a 5/6 hour solid house experience apart from tim who was so drunk that he fell out the cab and passed out in a forest. pierre claims that noone has ever danced to house as good as he did that night. the jury is still out. jack got off with a girl by apologising for pierre ridiculousness.
the next day we eventually got to the kremlin and realised it wasnt that good. we tried to go and see lenin but he was still closed - fucking holidays. abit of an anticlimactic end to such a strange city but we were getting teh train to st petersburg the next morning which EVERYbody said was better in terms of people, scenery and women.
x
our first expewience of the metro was as i expected, amzing, i could see why old red ken (R.I.P) came here to improve our own sysytem, u never wait more than 2 minutes and the platforms are lined with chandeliers and mosaic. proper art deco like. anywho we got to the hostel using teh not as bad directions as we thought and dumped our shit, had a wash and hit the town. we ahd a walk down arbat street which the pedestrianised street in the centre of town but we just got tires ish and walked back to the hostel along the river passing the massive peter the great statue on the river (which is strange cos peter the great hated moscow, as wasnt known for his navy -he is surrounded by boats) when we got back to teh hostel we met jack who was talking about how his mate had had an orange for the first time in his life. that night we got some beers and found a good bar to go to in the hilariously cunty listings paper 'exile' which lists clubs by pull ability face control and drink prices. 'bring your pepper spray cos u'll need protection!' we headed to teh place and went in and it was basically a restaurant, and because we were so drunk we think that we either went to wrong place or that the bar was downstairs and we just didnt realise, what followed was the coldest walk home of my life.
next night after waking up horrendously hung over we thought we'd give it another go at walking around town, we found out much to us dismay that the kremlin was closed again so instead we visited dyetsky mir 'children's world' which was one of the 2 famous shops i always used to learn about in my russian class at school, and it was quite cool, lets say sovietly-jokes if that makes any sense at all. after that we had i first meal at moomoo a canteen style restaurant where you go choose what you want and pay at the end it reletively cheap (for moscow) and quite delicious. after that we checked out an underground shopping centre for an internet cafe to no avail but it just happened to be full of shops playing house music and amazingly peng women so we stayed there for a couple of hours. that night we had an early one because the next night we didnt have a bed to sleep in so we were gonna pull an all nighter.
the next day we checked out and put our bags in the left luggage, and went into town again but of course, the kremlin was closed and red sqaure also due cos they were practising the parade. we went to them GUM which used to be an old shopping centre but is now refurbished and full of designer shops and peng women as well. i compared my fake louis vuitton wallet with a real one and then we got an ice cream and watched the girls go by. afterwards pierre got some beautiful trainers and we then hit a bar for the afternoon, sunk about 6 and then had drunken afternoon jokes in the sunshine. pierer baught like 6 burgers in macdonalds and he ordered it in perfect russian! i got another beer in the shop and the hid from pierre. he tried to call me but called my england number which my brother is using so my bro called him back and i had like a five minute convo, he was like 'Matt what do you want' IM IN MOSCOW 'err yeh i know' sorry got to go pierre trying to hit me with his shoes, and then we ran around moscow pierre throwing his old shoes at me, and when he was picking them up after missing i would sit down next to a random russian and tell that my friend likes boys. we headed back to the hostel where jack and tim (who were in the same situation) were sitting and drinking. we discovered the reason why we had no beds - the hostel had been rented out to a school group of 12 year old girls (heaven). we had some dinner and then i went on a beer run. whilst in the supermarket i was supermarket waying up my options i came across a drink called jaguar. when u first see it it looks just like a 500ml can energy drink. on further inspection i discovered it was also 9% alcoholic volume. 3 please, i got pierre his beers and went back to show my discovery, we got back though and obviously pierer was like why wouldnt you get those for me?? after finishing off our drinks we decided to go to a club called propaganda which we had found in the exile. on the way to teh metro station i called for another round of jaguar and by teh 4th can my eyes were bulging out of my head. we got to properganda and got face controlled probably cos we were all hurrendously drunk, the queue was about 3 people long so i tried to get in about 12 times sometimes trying to use my british passport other times slapping my fake polo shirt going why won't you let me in? i''m wearing polo, POLO. eventually some russian guys got us a cab to the next club which cost about a fiver to drive about 100m we got in, had a beer and the next thing i remember is being woken up outside of the club asleep against a lamppost by pierre, and thinking that i was in Irkutsk. when we got to teh metro station we met jack who had gone to some trance club with tim who was nowhere to be seen. we got back to teh hostel and just feel asleep in the common room. about 4 hours later we were woken up by all the girls getting up and eating our cheetos. looking at us like hwat the fuck has happened to you - this is what its like to be an adult ladies, tim still hadnt returned. It beuing victory day we didnt go to sleep after the school group left, we instead headed into the centre of town with a finnish guy who had also arrived to see us asleep on the common room chairs. we were gutted that we missed the actual war parade and all we saw was a few thousand people walking about red square and the locality with bare soviet shit on them, badges flags ect. everyone had a russia flag with them and it was all just a bit jokes, even thouh i didnt dare mention it as the war affected them a lot more than it did us. me and pierre excused ourselves from the finnish guy and just cotched and did some more beanie watching. i hit the internet cafe to do some couch surfing and hostelworlding and eventually went back to the hostel to sleep. when i got back tim had finally returned - turned out that he had ended up meeting a music producer and went back to his studio to do a load of cocaine.
that night tim jack and pierre pussied out so i went to a club called zona with a brazillian guy called rodrigo and a spanish girl called marta. to fuel my night i started off with a jaguar or three. when we got to the club the bouncer told me that i had to go to vip which cost twice as much but it was quite cool. the vip area consisted of an extra bar where you got a free drink with your entry and a little lounge area which was full of topless women writhing aroung on glass tables - which was nice. the music they were playing down was some of the best house music that i ever heard. marta made us do a sambucca, which invloves the barman setting the sambucca on fire putting another glas over it which gets all the fumes, u do teh smabucca and then with a straw poked through a napkin you take a few breathes of the sambucca, i swear my head almost exploded. at about 3.30 i was feeling pretty tired and i was said to marta thatr i was lagging and she asked me if i wanted to leave but i was like teh metro doesnt open for another 2 hours so i powered through and eventually had to leave cos i was so hungry cos i hadnt eaten in about 15 hours. got back, hit the sack.
the next day we all woke up at about 2 in teh afternoon, pierre jack and tim having slept about 15 hours all we did that do was go to moomoo and the internet cafe. they went to zona that night but 7 cans of jaguar in 2 days and pretty much destroyed my imune system and i was feeling like shit. they didnt get told to go vip so they had a 5/6 hour solid house experience apart from tim who was so drunk that he fell out the cab and passed out in a forest. pierre claims that noone has ever danced to house as good as he did that night. the jury is still out. jack got off with a girl by apologising for pierre ridiculousness.
the next day we eventually got to the kremlin and realised it wasnt that good. we tried to go and see lenin but he was still closed - fucking holidays. abit of an anticlimactic end to such a strange city but we were getting teh train to st petersburg the next morning which EVERYbody said was better in terms of people, scenery and women.
x
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Siberia is SHIT
ok so we leave UB and we're all happy that we finally get to get out of this 'godforesaken hellhole' the people on our train are on a tour and they are all pretty cool, the border control were a lot easier than everyone claims and the actual border crossing was a lot easier than expected. later that day when we explained that we were gettingf off at ulan ude first everyone was liek why? and we were liek err... world's biggest lenin head... when we pulled up they were like have fuin boys - arseholes. it turned out that apart from the lenin head - which after our nights sleep we managed to see and photograph in about 20 minutes after waking up - there was nothing much else to do in ulan ude. we ended up sitting in the station for 6 hours waiting for our train to arrive, the same train that we rolled in on the day before.
next stop irkutsk, it was our first experience of platskart the open compartment on the train, we had the shittest beds, top bunk on the isle beds ie 40 cms wide, thinner that my shoulder width. when we got to irkutsk we too realised that it was a hell hole, we spent most of that day sleeping and had a breif walk into town where we tried to arrange our couch surfing for novosibirsk and yekaterinburg, we also tried to go to a seal show but our guide book lied to us about the opening days. the next day was meant to be our big day in siberia. everyone had said to us Baikal is AMAZING, seriously it is the most beautiful thing you will ever see in your life. of course by our luck we turn up and its fogged out, what was better was that Listvyanka the little village on the lakeside had nothing to do apart from get some smoked fish which pierre di. i asked the lake woman if the weather would get better and she was like, today - no. when we got back to town i went to teh internert cafe and finished some blogging and also got the number for our supposed hosts in Novosibirsk. we also went food shopping for our train journey the next day. the dutch guys who were staying at our hostel also weant to baikal that day later on, in the afternoon and said the weather was alright - cunts.
anyway we get the train to novosibirsk, plaskart again but there is no-one in our section of the carriage. i text the people we going to stay with about the time of our arrival and what carriage we're on like they ask. 32 hours later we get to novosibirsk and find there is nobody waiting for us and to top it all off its pissing down with rain. we call them but its a wrong number and now i just find out that i coppied it down wrong WAHEY!! I HATE THIS PLACE.... we have no accomodation for tonight but we were like fuck it lets just get the train to moscow fuck ekaterinburg if its going to be anything like siberia. but now wee got 16 hours to burn. lets get drunk.
oh yeh pierre has trench foot because his trainers are shit.
fuckin siberia, now i know why people got sent here in exile.
next stop irkutsk, it was our first experience of platskart the open compartment on the train, we had the shittest beds, top bunk on the isle beds ie 40 cms wide, thinner that my shoulder width. when we got to irkutsk we too realised that it was a hell hole, we spent most of that day sleeping and had a breif walk into town where we tried to arrange our couch surfing for novosibirsk and yekaterinburg, we also tried to go to a seal show but our guide book lied to us about the opening days. the next day was meant to be our big day in siberia. everyone had said to us Baikal is AMAZING, seriously it is the most beautiful thing you will ever see in your life. of course by our luck we turn up and its fogged out, what was better was that Listvyanka the little village on the lakeside had nothing to do apart from get some smoked fish which pierre di. i asked the lake woman if the weather would get better and she was like, today - no. when we got back to town i went to teh internert cafe and finished some blogging and also got the number for our supposed hosts in Novosibirsk. we also went food shopping for our train journey the next day. the dutch guys who were staying at our hostel also weant to baikal that day later on, in the afternoon and said the weather was alright - cunts.
anyway we get the train to novosibirsk, plaskart again but there is no-one in our section of the carriage. i text the people we going to stay with about the time of our arrival and what carriage we're on like they ask. 32 hours later we get to novosibirsk and find there is nobody waiting for us and to top it all off its pissing down with rain. we call them but its a wrong number and now i just find out that i coppied it down wrong WAHEY!! I HATE THIS PLACE.... we have no accomodation for tonight but we were like fuck it lets just get the train to moscow fuck ekaterinburg if its going to be anything like siberia. but now wee got 16 hours to burn. lets get drunk.
oh yeh pierre has trench foot because his trainers are shit.
fuckin siberia, now i know why people got sent here in exile.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Mongolia reflections.
Mongolia was cool. it was definately a place wher once u reflect on it it seems a lot better than it seemed at the time. First of all the cheapness compared to russia hurts when you think about it. The people that we met and went to the gobi with were really cool and the people who owned our guesthouse were really nice and friendly and it had stuff to do. on a day like today where we find ourselves not doing much i could easily go to the internet cafe for a good couple of hours and not worry about spending too much miney because it was 25p as opposed to a quid 50 per hour in irkutsk. the food was also tasty and cheap and the girls were so buff, i think thats an accumilation of the yellow fever we picked up in china coupled with the fact that mongolians are generally better looking than the chinese, i mean when we went to metro for the second time the absolutely amazingly peng women to people ration was probably the highest level in a club i have ever seen ever.
i think i could have easily spent another 5 or so days in UB and i wasnt overly happy to leave but that was because of Bama (refer to previous post) and teh gobi was a memorable experience, but overall i didnt enjoy mongolia as much as china.
STANDINGS
MATT: 6 pulls, 1 gf
PIERRE 5 pulls, 1 bang.
NB no matter what number of pulls or bangs numbers still refer to amount of girls included in said action..
i think i could have easily spent another 5 or so days in UB and i wasnt overly happy to leave but that was because of Bama (refer to previous post) and teh gobi was a memorable experience, but overall i didnt enjoy mongolia as much as china.
STANDINGS
MATT: 6 pulls, 1 gf
PIERRE 5 pulls, 1 bang.
NB no matter what number of pulls or bangs numbers still refer to amount of girls included in said action..
Bama
I got my second 'i'll remember you forever/never forget you' along those lines of the holiday teh day i left mongolia but this time it wasn't some text message from a sixteen year old who's bean i'd flicked, no, it was my mongolian girlfriend.
if you read my last post, you will know i got the number of some mongolian girl in metro. well we were texting eachoher for a few days and in the end we went for a dtae, she picked me up in her car and we went driving around ulaanbaatar by night her showing me her hometown she loved and all teh places where she hangs out. we pulled by teh monestry, by the soviet monument, by the buddha, and before i left.
when i woke up the next the morning i realised that i had left my phone in her car. teh next bit makes me seem like a bit of a stalker but she told me where abouts she lived and i knew it was her day off that day so i found her car, looked through the window found saw my phone and waited.. for 3 hours, i stopped for refreshments and lunch. the reason was that if there was any missed calls or texts messages and she found it first it would say i recieved a text from 'mongolia bitch'. unsupriosingly she was like 'hello?' and i explained she gave me a lift home and all was bless.
a couple of nights later we met up again and this time we went for a meal afterwards we started driving around town again but i was just like do u want to go to that bridge that was being repaired and started getting off in her car again, she was like do u want to go to the backseat and i was like 'OK then!' i tell u mates it was like being 15 again getting off with someone for so long that you get tired, i even got to top her, cool.
the next time i met her was at metro again but she seemed a bit flakey so i just enjoyed the music (which seemed to be exactly the same playlist as the last friday) and the atmosphere. pierre left early cos he was getting no play from the ladies. i left with Bama and her mate and there mate gave us a lift home, i got off with her in the backseat drunkenly singing along to sexual eruption.
the last day in Ub was probably the nicest because i had lunch with and then spent the day with my mongolian honey as she was then saved as under in my phone. we went out of town to the forest and sat amongst the trees, we then went and sat by the buddha statue which we had gone to in the first night, when she was dropping me off we had one last pulling session in her car and i was like lets get out and have a hug.
this is when she said to me 'i'll never forget you' and hopefully i'll never forget her, it also made me abit sad cos i was like i'll see you when u coime to london, cos she wants to do a bit of studying over here maybe and she was liek 'yeh, i wish'. if it wasnt for her i think my time in UB would have been as bad as Pierre's (although we both agree that Ub is far better than the hellhole that is Siberia). Spending time with her broke up the monotony of our 10 day stay in the least photogenic capital city of the world, and on top of that she was cute funny, clever. she also taught me lots about Ub like what was what and who was who like the rich cunt in the big escalade pick up with gold rims who always had the best parking spot infornt of the doors at metro who was liek, 'hey man you want some drugs i got aalllllllll the drugs', was infact the son of a member of parliament.
I havnt told pierre all this because he would take the piss and i know you guys will as well but i'm at least 8,000 miles away from any of you. her favourite song was outta my system by Bowwow and thats what this blog is for to get her out of my system (hopefully with the help of some russian beanies) also fair enough i didnt bang her, but how many of you bang ur girlfriends within the first week of the relationship , actually, dont answer that...
Bama, thank you.
if you read my last post, you will know i got the number of some mongolian girl in metro. well we were texting eachoher for a few days and in the end we went for a dtae, she picked me up in her car and we went driving around ulaanbaatar by night her showing me her hometown she loved and all teh places where she hangs out. we pulled by teh monestry, by the soviet monument, by the buddha, and before i left.
when i woke up the next the morning i realised that i had left my phone in her car. teh next bit makes me seem like a bit of a stalker but she told me where abouts she lived and i knew it was her day off that day so i found her car, looked through the window found saw my phone and waited.. for 3 hours, i stopped for refreshments and lunch. the reason was that if there was any missed calls or texts messages and she found it first it would say i recieved a text from 'mongolia bitch'. unsupriosingly she was like 'hello?' and i explained she gave me a lift home and all was bless.
a couple of nights later we met up again and this time we went for a meal afterwards we started driving around town again but i was just like do u want to go to that bridge that was being repaired and started getting off in her car again, she was like do u want to go to the backseat and i was like 'OK then!' i tell u mates it was like being 15 again getting off with someone for so long that you get tired, i even got to top her, cool.
the next time i met her was at metro again but she seemed a bit flakey so i just enjoyed the music (which seemed to be exactly the same playlist as the last friday) and the atmosphere. pierre left early cos he was getting no play from the ladies. i left with Bama and her mate and there mate gave us a lift home, i got off with her in the backseat drunkenly singing along to sexual eruption.
the last day in Ub was probably the nicest because i had lunch with and then spent the day with my mongolian honey as she was then saved as under in my phone. we went out of town to the forest and sat amongst the trees, we then went and sat by the buddha statue which we had gone to in the first night, when she was dropping me off we had one last pulling session in her car and i was like lets get out and have a hug.
this is when she said to me 'i'll never forget you' and hopefully i'll never forget her, it also made me abit sad cos i was like i'll see you when u coime to london, cos she wants to do a bit of studying over here maybe and she was liek 'yeh, i wish'. if it wasnt for her i think my time in UB would have been as bad as Pierre's (although we both agree that Ub is far better than the hellhole that is Siberia). Spending time with her broke up the monotony of our 10 day stay in the least photogenic capital city of the world, and on top of that she was cute funny, clever. she also taught me lots about Ub like what was what and who was who like the rich cunt in the big escalade pick up with gold rims who always had the best parking spot infornt of the doors at metro who was liek, 'hey man you want some drugs i got aalllllllll the drugs', was infact the son of a member of parliament.
I havnt told pierre all this because he would take the piss and i know you guys will as well but i'm at least 8,000 miles away from any of you. her favourite song was outta my system by Bowwow and thats what this blog is for to get her out of my system (hopefully with the help of some russian beanies) also fair enough i didnt bang her, but how many of you bang ur girlfriends within the first week of the relationship , actually, dont answer that...
Bama, thank you.
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